When you are a lesbian, gay man or bisexual and in a same sex relationship, there are a number of ways the end of your committed relationship can look and feel differently than a heterosexual or opposite sex marriage. When an LGB committed relationship ends, there is the added stressor of how your break-up is received by the larger mainstream community, co-workers, friends and family. Due to heterosexism and homophobia, you may not receive the same type of support that those in an opposite sex union receive when divorcing. However, there is often a flexibility and creativity in LGB relationships that can result in an easier divorce process.
When same sex relationships are not held with the same respect and valued by their community, you may not receive the same level of understanding when your relationship ends. At work, your co-workers may not seem surprised when you tell them your fifteen year relationship has ended. You may feel that those around you are saying “I knew it would never last.” There is a long-standing myth that same sex couples’ relationships cannot last or don’t have the same quality of commitment that heterosexual couples experience. If you live in a country or state where same-sex marriage is prohibited, you may get the message that your larger community and neighbors don’t value your union. For gay men or bisexuals, there is the added weight of homophobia. For example, due to homophobic assumptions about LGB people, friends around you may assume you are breaking up because someone had an affair or because you couldn’t be satisfied by only one partner. These types of beliefs can be expressed directly to you or can be experienced in subtle ways. For instance a family member may be bold enough to say to a lesbian or bisexual woman “I knew it wouldn’t last with your partner, now you can go back to being with men, I’m so glad that phase is over.” That type of homophobia can be difficulty to deal with but in some ways can be easier than the subtle types of reactions.
Subtle homophobic reactions may include having a friend or co-worker neglect to ask “How are you doing with the divorce?” For other LGBT people, when you say your relationship ended, straight friends may have no idea how to respond and may stay quiet or change the subject. In these situations, you are left with not knowing if they are responding that way because they are uncomfortable with your sexual orientation or your relationship choices. Those more subtle forms of feeling snubbed are harder to address than the blatant forms of homophobia. The friend or family member responding may not be aware they had acted dismissively because they are not conscious of their feelings of discomfort or homophobia. When confronted they may deny they acted that way, leaving the LGB friend feeling disappointed or angry.
One positive note related to divorce and the dissolution of domestic partnerships is that there is often more flexibility in our LGBT communities around your living arrangements and financial obligations. Some partners have, without any lawyers having been hired, supported their ex partners financially for months or years until they could do so on their own. Others have lived with their ex’s, eventually becoming friends, because they owned property together and neither wanted to take a loss in a downward housing market. Some ex’s have decided to create a household where each had their own bedroom and they were able to remain co-parents, so that they could focus on the children’s needs. These types of accommodations happen less frequently in opposite sex divorces. As a lesbian, gay man or bisexual person you may be more open to” thinking outside of the box” in coming up to solutions for complex problems due to divorce. Often having had to deal with homophobia and coming out leads to your developing coping skills that heterosexual people may not possess.
People in the LGBT communities have had to forge “chosen families” if they have felt misunderstood, rejected or not supported by their families of origin. Often these “chosen families” can include your ex’s and good friends. Holidays and life events like the adoption of a child, may be filled with your friends and ex lovers. Family of origin may often refuse to attend due to homophobia or are not invited so couples can experience complete support by those present. Close, supportive friendships can help LGBT people going through divorce get through the tough times and have much needed emotional support. It is often with friends, supportive family and “chosen family” that LGB people find a sense of solace and recognition of their relationship loss.
Well that’s definitely one direction of looking at it, definitely have used a more detail but you ‘ve done a peachy job yourself.